Politics & Onanism

You may not think it, but the art (or way of life, for Shadow Cabinet members) known as masturbation can actually give us a great insight into this most muddled of election campaigns. Like an election where the outcome is invariably the same - you end up with a group of people you spend five years really fucking hating - there are many different types of tugs, as there are election campaigns.

Unfortunately for the PM, he wasn't really in the mood for one. his self-confidence, and thus sexuality, had taken a battering. He was quite happy with a chicken dopiaza and pilau rice in front of The Bill whilst Mrs Brown was off playing bridge.

Gordon isn't a voracious wanker; it just doesn't come naturally to him. He's got into it now though. He's got a rhythm going. In the end, it might not be the best one he's ever had, but he'll reflect on it and say it was well worth giving the mango chutney a miss for.

On the other hand, Dave was well into it. He was in the zone. In his mind, he was slipping one in Scarlett Johansson's ballot box whilst Wee Georgie watched on. Old habits die hard, Bullingdon habits, like nuclear waste and Thatcher, live forever.

And then his mother walked in on him.

Now he's fucking suicidal. He's lashing out at everyone. He's been on iTunes downloading Meat Is Murder. He's lost the plot. It's actually at a point now where if he had a nervous breakdown and shit himself live on the BBC on Thursday night, it's 50/50 whether he'd lose votes, or actually gain a few.

Then there's Nicky. For him it started off as just another night in. He wasn't expecting much out of it, but had nothing better to do. Then someone slipped him a Viagra and he perked up like Richard Littlejohn at the thought of something with a 62% saturated fat content.

This is unchartered territory for Clegg. He never knew it could be this good. He's been going at it for that long though, his bollocks actually ache. He really wants to let go. Vince is in his ear though, preaching prudence, and telling him he's got to hold on to it for just a bit longer.

And there, readers, is the black man at the BNP party conference - everyone thought Nicky would have shot his load by now.

That he hasn't, also gives the rest of us a pain deep in our scrotums when it comes to trying to work out what the fuck is going on.